Broken threads

I feel my heart thawing. It took me by surprise at how far out of reach I had gone. A few things happened today. This afternoon my cousin called me. The last time she called me was eight months ago. We live 40 minutes apart and the last time we met was three months ago. We chat on and off online, but she never calls. She is busy - what with being a doctor, managing a family and a social life. But we used to be very close. We grew up together and I still want to be a part of her world and have her be a part of mine. But I gave up a while ago. Tired of being the only person wanting us to still belong to one another. As a family, we've drifted. We are broken. And I was and perhaps still am in mourning.

I was surprised when she called me today. Instinctively I knew this call wasn't to play catch-up or about me. And I was right. She was calling to deliver a piece of unfortunate news. Our uncle's mother passed away this afternoon, without any premonition. I feel for my uncle and his children. But I was saddened that it took death in the family for my sister to call me. Families come together for difficult times but don't find enough happy occasions to share with one another.

My sister too. My enchanted ideas of the kind of relationship we will have as sisters have long vanished. But what remains are restless feelings of longing.

***
Later tonight I met G and some of her friends at Newark for Garba. The familiarity of the sight and smell knocked the breath out of me. My stomach hurt. And I began crying. It was simultaneously embarrassing and cleansing. I hadn't been to Navratri celebration in over five years. I consciously avoided it and blocked the music from my iTunes. Today I sorely missed my family. I missed my cousin, my sister and my relatives. I missed my grandmother and her voice singing the Aarti and the Garbas. Looking back, I realize I haven't been to a Navrati celebration ever since she passed away. I'm glad I went to the celebrations today but I think I have my fill for a bit. I say a silent prayer tonight though, that the next time I go for Navratri celebrations, I want to be with family, among my people.

I'm mad at myself that I stopped writing. I don't talk much about my feelings to anyone because I used to write them out and through words, I was better able to understand myself and how incidents affected me. I feel like I don't have an account of who I have become and what has changed me over the last five years. I'm committed now to changing that relationship with myself and writing.
***

There's more in my head but for once, words fail me.