The last few days, I've spent immersed in the English translations of the ancient Jain Sanskrit manuscripts. Majority of the translations of ancient Jain scriptures have been done by professors and academics at universities in Germany. (It's doesn't cease to amaze me how and why Germany found the interest in Jainism and has been able to sustain and grow it over the years)
I'm not done with my readings, but for me to truly understand of essence of Jainism, I need to see it and compare it in context of other religions. Infact, I want to see how other religions differ and concur with Jainism. Kindle comes to my rescue and I've also been having interesting and deep conversations with my parents and family members about various tenets of Jainism. Of the five basic tenets of Jainsim: Ahimsa (non-violence) Satya (Truth) Asteya (Non-stealing) Aparigrapha (Non-materialism) I was instantly drawn to and find myself in agreement with Anekantvada (multiplicity of viewpoints.) Wikipedia describes it well, "the notion that truth and reality are perceived differently from diverse points of view, and that no single point of view is the complete truth." Before I expound intelligently on doctrines that resonate strongly with me, I need to learn. So I'm now reading the history of Hinduism & Buddhism. I've also downloaded the Dhammapada, the scared Buddhist text so we'll see what my mind is able to grasp and what it questions.
I don't remember who said it or where I might have read this (or maybe I imagined it?): A human soul is born with everything it needs to know. A few weeks ago when I embarked on this journey to learn and understand more about religion and Jainism, I might have expected a revelation, a sense of whoa! and perhaps, a little enlightenment. Instead I've realized that there isn't much I didn't know about the tenets of Jainism and what it prescribes. It doesn't require a particular course of study or upbringing to agree with the basic principles that Jainism adheres to. So the question for me to ask myself wasn't really, what do I not know about my religion. I've had to re-frame the question to: What is the significance of the rituals or the Kriya ? My confusion and dissonance wasn't necessarily with the religion, but with its ritualistic practice.
This is one of those quarterly obsessions I get afflicted with - once I go deep enough and absolve my puzzlement, questions and prejudices, I'll emerge empty, ready to fill my vessel again with a new obsession.
13.9.10
6.9.10
Discipline
This weekend reminded me several times why I should have taken more religion classes in college. Paryushan are on and I'm grappling that sense of guilt, misunderstanding, confusion and non-conformism. What exactly is religion ? Is being spiritual enough? I've come to an understanding that as human beings, we crave frameworks, we need structure to operate effectively and to lead happy, fulfilling lives. We are unable to operate without logic, sense & reassurance.
Even though I grew up in such a religious household, I'm amazed how it didn't inspire me or interest me. As children do, I blindly followed the rituals, the rules and the festivals without understanding them. Even then, I distinctly remember my inability to deal with rules and authority and I've broken them every chance I've had. Some I remember, like peeing at our holy temple and deliberately going to pray into a temple while I was menstruating. These weren't driven by a desire to insult my parent's faith. I was six or seven when I peed at the temple and I only did so because I couldn't find the bathroom or the nearest one was a mile or so away.
At twenty-seven, I'm beginning to question my limited understanding of religion and how it must work in my life. I'm past the need for rebellion and being a non-conformist for the sake of it, but I refuse to subscribe to a path of life without understanding it.
I did some reading about Jainism this weekend. That's not enough for me. The word, "religion" is too weighted for me. Jainism, as I'm learning, is more a way of life and living than a subscribed dogma. Ofcourse, over the few thousand years or so, it has come to adopt its own rules, but in essence, Jainism comes down to four basic tenets: 1) Non-violence 2) Truth 3) Not taking what does not belong to one (no stealing) 4) Not becoming attached to material possessions.
As my friend put it, Yoda is Jain. And if Yoda practices this way of living, how can it be too stifling ? Jokes apart, why do most religions prescribe to a period of self-punishment and penance once a year? Is it to allow us to test perseverance and discipline ourselves ? Do our souls feel better after depriving ourselves of certain foods and activities for a limited period of time each year? I'm very interested in the answers but I wonder if after I discover the answers, will I want to embrace religion or walk away from it?
Even though I grew up in such a religious household, I'm amazed how it didn't inspire me or interest me. As children do, I blindly followed the rituals, the rules and the festivals without understanding them. Even then, I distinctly remember my inability to deal with rules and authority and I've broken them every chance I've had. Some I remember, like peeing at our holy temple and deliberately going to pray into a temple while I was menstruating. These weren't driven by a desire to insult my parent's faith. I was six or seven when I peed at the temple and I only did so because I couldn't find the bathroom or the nearest one was a mile or so away.
At twenty-seven, I'm beginning to question my limited understanding of religion and how it must work in my life. I'm past the need for rebellion and being a non-conformist for the sake of it, but I refuse to subscribe to a path of life without understanding it.
I did some reading about Jainism this weekend. That's not enough for me. The word, "religion" is too weighted for me. Jainism, as I'm learning, is more a way of life and living than a subscribed dogma. Ofcourse, over the few thousand years or so, it has come to adopt its own rules, but in essence, Jainism comes down to four basic tenets: 1) Non-violence 2) Truth 3) Not taking what does not belong to one (no stealing) 4) Not becoming attached to material possessions.
As my friend put it, Yoda is Jain. And if Yoda practices this way of living, how can it be too stifling ? Jokes apart, why do most religions prescribe to a period of self-punishment and penance once a year? Is it to allow us to test perseverance and discipline ourselves ? Do our souls feel better after depriving ourselves of certain foods and activities for a limited period of time each year? I'm very interested in the answers but I wonder if after I discover the answers, will I want to embrace religion or walk away from it?
4.9.10
Religion vs. Spirituality.
Today two conversations happened that left me feeling lighter. The first one was an observation and a confession about what it means to be an Indian. Sometimes I am surprised with how little of religion, customs or culture I inherited considering how religious my parents and my family is and how being a Jain defines them. As much as I will miss the space, green and river-views afforded by Jersey City, I'm eager to move into Manhattan. Living in JC, feels like I'm not too far away from India. And especially my building. It's worth nothing that my building attracts young Indian families by the droves. Just yesterday I stumbled into my building, tired from a 12 hour work-day, and was bull-dozed by a swarm of little brown children dressed in like little Hindu Gods. I reeled back for a second trying to gather my wits and then I realized it was Janmashthami, Krishna's birthday. To instill Indian values and culture into their children, the parents had decided to dress them up and celebrate in the common lounge. I am atleast half a decade away from considering motherhood but I found myself panicking. Is this what will be expected of me?
And once I opened that box, Pandora wouldn't let me shut it.
Tomorrow is also Paryushan. As a Jain, the next seven days are the most important days for me and my community. If you are one of the two readers reading this and are wondering what Paryushan is, Wikipedia it. Also look up Jainism on Wikipedia. Jains across the world will abstain from sex, alcohol, and most types of food (most green vegetables and root vegetables) The next seven days are for penance, meditation and seeking forgiveness. On an abstract level, I respect and even understand the ritual. A clean mind and body, intense self-reflection and prayers to wash the past year's sins. But on a literal level, I've always had trouble understanding and accepting this. My main issue with Jainism is that its not meant to be a religion and yet, over the years, we've had scriptures, and rules and from a way of living, from a spiritual path, Jainism has taken on a cult-like significance that subjects everyone else to the lens they view the world with. I confess, I have not studied the religion. But as a precocious and extremely aware adolescent girl, I was acutely aware that something was wrong with the framework of my religion if it deemed me practically an untouchable every time I menstruated. Menstruating girls weren't allowed to visit the temple. Or touch Gods. Or in extreme families, touch anything or anyone in the house for four days. The church let me though. But then, it wouldn't let me eat bread or drink the wine because I wasn't a Catholic. You can imagine how confusing all this can get for a 15 year old girl. So I simply stopped needing a place of worship and found my own spiritual path. I often flirt with the idea of studying Jainism more so my opinions would be well-informed and unbiased. But I've found such happiness in taking what I like and ignoring what I don't, that I don't feel the need to have an informed opinion anymore. I've found a system that works for me.
But every year, it returns to me, gnawing at me and awakening conflicting emotions; especially when I am surrounded by a family, a sister and friends that so staunchly observe it. I feel judged. But that is my fault, not theirs.
I see sense and value in rituals. I believe rituals give life meaning and the expectation of its clockwork-like occurrence gives us something to look forward to. I am grateful for the rituals and festivals my parents gave me and the memories I have attached with it. But I think, between R and I, we'll have to invent some rituals of our own.
The battrey's are running out so I need to sign off. The second thought can remain in my head for now.
And once I opened that box, Pandora wouldn't let me shut it.
Tomorrow is also Paryushan. As a Jain, the next seven days are the most important days for me and my community. If you are one of the two readers reading this and are wondering what Paryushan is, Wikipedia it. Also look up Jainism on Wikipedia. Jains across the world will abstain from sex, alcohol, and most types of food (most green vegetables and root vegetables) The next seven days are for penance, meditation and seeking forgiveness. On an abstract level, I respect and even understand the ritual. A clean mind and body, intense self-reflection and prayers to wash the past year's sins. But on a literal level, I've always had trouble understanding and accepting this. My main issue with Jainism is that its not meant to be a religion and yet, over the years, we've had scriptures, and rules and from a way of living, from a spiritual path, Jainism has taken on a cult-like significance that subjects everyone else to the lens they view the world with. I confess, I have not studied the religion. But as a precocious and extremely aware adolescent girl, I was acutely aware that something was wrong with the framework of my religion if it deemed me practically an untouchable every time I menstruated. Menstruating girls weren't allowed to visit the temple. Or touch Gods. Or in extreme families, touch anything or anyone in the house for four days. The church let me though. But then, it wouldn't let me eat bread or drink the wine because I wasn't a Catholic. You can imagine how confusing all this can get for a 15 year old girl. So I simply stopped needing a place of worship and found my own spiritual path. I often flirt with the idea of studying Jainism more so my opinions would be well-informed and unbiased. But I've found such happiness in taking what I like and ignoring what I don't, that I don't feel the need to have an informed opinion anymore. I've found a system that works for me.
But every year, it returns to me, gnawing at me and awakening conflicting emotions; especially when I am surrounded by a family, a sister and friends that so staunchly observe it. I feel judged. But that is my fault, not theirs.
I see sense and value in rituals. I believe rituals give life meaning and the expectation of its clockwork-like occurrence gives us something to look forward to. I am grateful for the rituals and festivals my parents gave me and the memories I have attached with it. But I think, between R and I, we'll have to invent some rituals of our own.
The battrey's are running out so I need to sign off. The second thought can remain in my head for now.
3.9.10
A timid snake
Strange dreams tonight of a fat, blue marble-skinned snake crawling up my mortified body. Followed my another dream of a more ordinary but lethal black snake hissing its tongue two inches away from my face. Or maybe the two snakes were a part of the same dream. But it was early morning, I was in my bed - not in another dreamworld. I could see my red paisley print bedding from my peripheral vision. Just occurred to me that I've changed the paisley bedding a few weeks ago, so I assume that in my dream, I'm in the past, when the paisley print was still on. I could feel the weight of the blue snake - the dream felt so real. I've been practicing lucid dreaming for over a decade now so I stared down the beasts and willed them to not kill me, swallow me or bite me and just like that, they slithered way into the black hole they'd emerged from.
I'm repelled when I think about those beasts now but when I was lucid-dreaming, my head was calm and collected. I remember a sensation of sick wonder mixed with disbelief. I do not remember tasting fear. But after those snakes disappeared, I crawled closer to R and shut my eyes tight to catch some more sleep. What a strange start to my holiday weekend.
I'm off though. It's 2pm and come what may, I am leaving office to enjoy my very last summer Friday. A quick stop at Strand Book store to feed my latest obsession: Data Visualization & Information Design.
This weekend promises to be creatively fun and challenging - I've given myself a few fun projects that will help me learn basic Information design and make fun little graphs. How sad is it that I'm obsessed with work and learning over a holiday weekend. It doesn't feel like work though..
Signing off!
I'm repelled when I think about those beasts now but when I was lucid-dreaming, my head was calm and collected. I remember a sensation of sick wonder mixed with disbelief. I do not remember tasting fear. But after those snakes disappeared, I crawled closer to R and shut my eyes tight to catch some more sleep. What a strange start to my holiday weekend.
I'm off though. It's 2pm and come what may, I am leaving office to enjoy my very last summer Friday. A quick stop at Strand Book store to feed my latest obsession: Data Visualization & Information Design.
This weekend promises to be creatively fun and challenging - I've given myself a few fun projects that will help me learn basic Information design and make fun little graphs. How sad is it that I'm obsessed with work and learning over a holiday weekend. It doesn't feel like work though..
Signing off!
2.9.10
Ruminations on moral boundaries and social contracts
It's difficult to get back into the flow of writing. The last few years have trained me to think in bullet points, albeit, in story-form. I have a few things on my mind that I want to try to make sense of and writing about them, arguing it out with myself helps me. So here's a try.
Moral boundaries and passion: At what point does curiosity lead to a breach of moral contracts? At what point does curiosity stop being the driving force and instead, takes a turn towards becoming a destructive force? I'm not sure I know the answers but this year I've experimented with a few things that when judged black and white, the verdict is against me.
Not that this falls squarely into that realm but it irks me and hence the need to think it out.
Last week, R and I ordered Indian take-out. Chicken for him & Paneer for me. Our meals were switched and I'd eaten half a portion of the Chicken dish before R hastily realized that I was eating his meal. As a vegetarian, I expected to instantly gag and feel revolted. As a Jain, I expected to feel guilty and shamed. But I felt nothing.I found myself ruminating over the chewy-quality of the chicken and I moved on to my meal. I was genuinely surprised that I didn't know I was eating chicken. It didn't taste like chicken - or what I thought chicken would taste like. As a vegetarian, I thought my reflexes would kick in if I ever found myself putting anything unwieldy in my stomach. Not really.
My lack of a superlative response surprised and confused me.
When I expressed my confusion to R (about why I wasn't feeling what I expected to feel) he remarked that my vegetarianism is out of habit and not out of choice. And that ticked me off. More than the chicken.
Granted, I've been a vegetarian my entire life. I was born into a vegetarian family - but I left home at 18. I've had plenty of years (9 to be precise) to switch or make a conscious attempt to try meat. And I haven't. I might not have consciously made a pact with myself but I'm sure that I've sub-consciously made a decision to not eat meat every-time the opportunity was presented. I can see how my lack of a passionate POV can be construed as a thoughtless idea. Esp since everyone in New York has such strong opinions about food and dietary habits.
Even RS is incredibly well-informed about food, veganism and vegetarianism. She even avoids animal protein and by products in toothpastes, shampoos and soaps! I'm not and I do not aspire to be as vigilant about my choice and that's why I question my own moral boundaries with meat and vegetables. I haven't given the choice critical thought of research so does that mean R is right and that I'm a vegetarian out of habit?
It's also a little bit annoying when partners assume to know you, your decisions and your actions because they've been with you for seven years. Probably out of habit. (Sorry R, not meant to be a potshot at you -but still, it's a possibility!)
Maybe he is not entirely right and maybe I am not entirely at fault. But it irks me and I began to ask myself questions and examine myself a little more closely over the last few weeks.
Rules and social contracts have never held much weight with me. But I do like to think that I am a person with integrity. How others define integrity is upto them. I don't know how I define it but most of the times its driven by what I feel in my gut is the FAIR thing/ decision. I've let down many people (Often members of my own family and my closest friends) for what is fair and that's a price I've had to pay several times just so I can go to bed knowing I made the right decision or said the right words. That's just how I choose to life my life and its no dictum for anyone else to judge or follow.
Coming back to the issue at hand. Here's where I stand on this. Being a vegetarian is a choice I have made. It is not out of habit or not because I was raised such. It is a conscious choice. It is not driven by my desire to save animals or my love for them. In fact, I've done enough research to know that by default, human bodies need animal protein and that we've all got our space in the food eco-system. However, I choose my path because the other option disgusts me. It may not be the well -thought out, propaganda that well-educated vegetarians teach themselves. But it works for me. And I don't remember the world stopping the last time someone decided something wasn't for them because they were disgusted by it.
So there.
It's not habit, it's disgust.
That doesn't entirely satisfy my inner philosopher, but it's good enough for now. While I go dig for better answers.
Moral boundaries and passion: At what point does curiosity lead to a breach of moral contracts? At what point does curiosity stop being the driving force and instead, takes a turn towards becoming a destructive force? I'm not sure I know the answers but this year I've experimented with a few things that when judged black and white, the verdict is against me.
Not that this falls squarely into that realm but it irks me and hence the need to think it out.
Last week, R and I ordered Indian take-out. Chicken for him & Paneer for me. Our meals were switched and I'd eaten half a portion of the Chicken dish before R hastily realized that I was eating his meal. As a vegetarian, I expected to instantly gag and feel revolted. As a Jain, I expected to feel guilty and shamed. But I felt nothing.I found myself ruminating over the chewy-quality of the chicken and I moved on to my meal. I was genuinely surprised that I didn't know I was eating chicken. It didn't taste like chicken - or what I thought chicken would taste like. As a vegetarian, I thought my reflexes would kick in if I ever found myself putting anything unwieldy in my stomach. Not really.
My lack of a superlative response surprised and confused me.
When I expressed my confusion to R (about why I wasn't feeling what I expected to feel) he remarked that my vegetarianism is out of habit and not out of choice. And that ticked me off. More than the chicken.
Granted, I've been a vegetarian my entire life. I was born into a vegetarian family - but I left home at 18. I've had plenty of years (9 to be precise) to switch or make a conscious attempt to try meat. And I haven't. I might not have consciously made a pact with myself but I'm sure that I've sub-consciously made a decision to not eat meat every-time the opportunity was presented. I can see how my lack of a passionate POV can be construed as a thoughtless idea. Esp since everyone in New York has such strong opinions about food and dietary habits.
Even RS is incredibly well-informed about food, veganism and vegetarianism. She even avoids animal protein and by products in toothpastes, shampoos and soaps! I'm not and I do not aspire to be as vigilant about my choice and that's why I question my own moral boundaries with meat and vegetables. I haven't given the choice critical thought of research so does that mean R is right and that I'm a vegetarian out of habit?
It's also a little bit annoying when partners assume to know you, your decisions and your actions because they've been with you for seven years. Probably out of habit. (Sorry R, not meant to be a potshot at you -but still, it's a possibility!)
Maybe he is not entirely right and maybe I am not entirely at fault. But it irks me and I began to ask myself questions and examine myself a little more closely over the last few weeks.
Rules and social contracts have never held much weight with me. But I do like to think that I am a person with integrity. How others define integrity is upto them. I don't know how I define it but most of the times its driven by what I feel in my gut is the FAIR thing/ decision. I've let down many people (Often members of my own family and my closest friends) for what is fair and that's a price I've had to pay several times just so I can go to bed knowing I made the right decision or said the right words. That's just how I choose to life my life and its no dictum for anyone else to judge or follow.
Coming back to the issue at hand. Here's where I stand on this. Being a vegetarian is a choice I have made. It is not out of habit or not because I was raised such. It is a conscious choice. It is not driven by my desire to save animals or my love for them. In fact, I've done enough research to know that by default, human bodies need animal protein and that we've all got our space in the food eco-system. However, I choose my path because the other option disgusts me. It may not be the well -thought out, propaganda that well-educated vegetarians teach themselves. But it works for me. And I don't remember the world stopping the last time someone decided something wasn't for them because they were disgusted by it.
So there.
It's not habit, it's disgust.
That doesn't entirely satisfy my inner philosopher, but it's good enough for now. While I go dig for better answers.
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