Shitstorm

This month's just been one massive shitstorm. And the beauty is that none of it is mine but directly affects me because of the relationships I have. I've got a lump in my throat and I wish I was in control of this situation. I hate it when people think they know it all, but in this case, for this certain person, I do know it all. I know what is best for her and what her decisions should be about life, living and work. But how can I help someone that does not want to be helped?
I almost don't want to know anything about her plans or actions or what's on her mind coz it ends up giving me high BP. I hate this feeling.
Nothing is in control.

:(

Haven't been here in a while. I feel sad. I feel that we keep trying to make a house of cards and one fine wind brings it all down. I feel tired today, of keeping a brave face and being his rock. I just want to lie down for a bit and rest. I don't want to think about anything, anyone, not even myself. I just want blankness to envelop me.

Last night, after the news, he ordered eight Astrix comics. I think they make him feel safe. I want to feel safe too.
This song will be on repeat today. 


We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Iowa

Should I go for the Iowa Writer's Summer Festival or put that dough towards some exotic travel ?
Iceland is very high on my agenda right now. You have no idea how badly I want to go there.

Growing old

I've always been a little absent-minded, but until now I didn't mind it much. It was more of an inconvenience to others around me than to me. The gift-cards that I've received at various points in my life (wedding, farewells etc) were neatly tucked into an envelope and in a zipped pocket of my work bag. This morning, I looked for it and ofcourse, it wasn't there. I'm disturbed and annoyed at myself. I don't think they are stolen or that I lost them. I probably put them away somewhere thinking they were safer, and ofcourse, they are so safe now that I can't remember where they are.

Sometimes I am gripped by an irrational fear that I'm slipping. I have a commitment for this evening but all I really want to do is go back home and search my entire house until I find that envelope.

Crapshoot

What a shitty day today. My phone got stolen last night - it's been switched off since. A set of slides I created at work didn't get the reaction I was expecting from my boss. Teaches me not to share before the work is finished or without context.
Did have a small win today with a very good brainstorm for a mouth-wash client.

Off to buy a new phone. I was supposed to retire the old one anyways. Never lost a phone like this before or had it stolen from me. Am pretty sure whoever stole it won't be able to get in coz it was protected but they'll wipe it out and there goes - my three years of photographs, sms's and notes that I had saved so diligently. Fucking mofo.

At least my this week's assignment for Stanford is garnering some pretty good reviews, that's a solace. I miss R, but with him away, I was able to focus on my writing. I suppose there's only time and appetite for so many loves in one life.

But everyday is a delicate balance of keeping all the balls in air. One wink, one sneeze and it's not so easy anymore to get those balls to balance.

Do not ever

underestimate someone with ambition. They will far succeed and move up than those that are smart but lack ambition, curiosity and the desire to better themselves.

This post is dedicated to JRod. I hope you read it. 

Copenhagen

So this post will probably not make sense to any of you except Rabid. My heart skipped a beat when I read a status update by a certain person - but I was relieved when their update was about XXXXX. How awful it would've been. But I suppose I am risking the possibility of another JFK run-in.

More grist for the mill.

Oh yea - on that note. Scored a ridiculous deal to Copenhagen and Meg and Ro are also coming! Beyond excited. 

A Granny Story

Got my first paycheck! The two weeks holiday was probably the longest I had gone without a paycheck in the last six years. While that's keeping me a little warm and happy at night, I have a funny story to share.

My next-door colleague is a very opinionated White South African. He is pragmatic and a realist - like me but also a tad bit pessimist unlike me, which is why we've found a great rhythm. "Stick to the immigrants," is what he jokes with me because the Americans are slightly unused to his brisk style of working. Now that I've established his background, let me move on with a little nugget of story I just learned. I'm still laughing as I type this so forgive the hiccups.

Let's call my South African colleague A. Last week he lost some close family members in an air-crash and he shared with us that the authorities are just beginning to find the bodies. I gave him a sympathetic smile and C, my other colleague chimed in, "but it's nothing like your Christmas story."

Intrigued, I pestered A to share with me his Christmas story. C offered to do it for him - apparently he had told the story so many times that it exhausted him now. So here goes.

Over Christmas break, his cousins in South Africa decided to have a family vacation and celebrate Christmas with their (not A's) grandmother. So they packed everyone up in a trailer, attached it to their car and drove from South Africa to Mozambique for the much-awaited Christmas vacation. Happily settled in, the family retires for the night. But when they wake up on Christmas Day - poof, Granny's dead. Sad news. Vacation killed (no pun intended) but a bigger tension envelopes the family - how the fuck are they going to get dead Granny from Mozambique to South Africa? A little background here - Mozambique, as beautiful as it is, is also a highly corrupt country. Taking a dead body through customs out would cost them a bomb, and not to mention the delay. Time was also of essence here. So the family wraps up the body, puts in the trailer and decides to risk smuggling it out. They set out in the sweltering African heat with a dead body (and its stench, slowly filling the muggy Trailer air). Their hearts were in their mouths as they crossed past border and immigration - but thankfully, no one stopped them. (and no one questioned the stench)

Finally on the outskirts of South Africa, the family breathed a sigh of relief. They parked the car at a gas-station and walked inside to have some coffee, clam their nerves. (and let's face it - high five each other on the successful smuggle job) Now, they could mourn in piece, they thought. Some time later,  they emerged out of the cafe and walked towards the car. Only - there was no car!! Or trailer!! Turns out, while they were having coffee, someone sauntered past and stole the car!!!

Cue - laughter!

The Granny hasn't been found yet and man, what a surprise to those that stole the car. I can imagine them thumping their backs in congratulatory voices, only to discover a morbid decaying dead body in the trailer!

The story doesn't end here -- turns out, the Granny is worth quite a lot. And the family is in a limbo now because to access any of the funds and wealth, they need a dead fucking body to prove that she is gone. And there is no dead body.

I swear, this is the kind of stuff that only happens in movies. or Weeds. Not in lives of people you know! This story, sort of made my day.

Publish Post

I knew this would happen

I'm so mortified right now. I've been trying to be extra careful about how I present myself at work and I've been waking up an hour earlier just to prep for the day. This morning, it sleeted outside and because it was supposed to be very slippery, I decided to wear my LittleMismatched red gumboots. I also put a pair of Mary-Janes in a paper bag to carry with me so I could change at work.
And ofcourse, I am at work now, in my bold red gumboots and a purple sweater and the bag with my Mary-Janes is lying at home.

I had half a mind to rush back home to change my shoes. But it's so awful outside that I just have to hope I'm not invited to many meetings today and so people cannot see my bottom down.

In the new year: Part 1

India, as always, was fabulous. Since this visit was primarily about Sureka and Kuvadia weddings, I felt a little zapped towards the end of the ten days. With every visit, Bombay becomes a little more alien and a little more my own. Can't quite explain it. In some ways, the wealth divide is even more visible and palpable in India than it ever was before. Or maybe now I view it with a very different perspective than I did on my previous visits. I'm acutely aware of the fact that the lifestyle I can afford on my visits to India might not be the same if I actually lived there.

My own impatience with the inefficiencies and mostly, the lack of common sense that majority of populace employ in their jobs left me a little frustrated. Dinner with N & M at their posh Worli apartment gave us yet another glimpse of the type of India that I could put my finger on in about five years from now. And that, didn't seem so bad. One thing is clear, to survive and build a life in Bombay, more than money, one needs a reliable network of "contacts." Sometimes, I get the sense that everyone in India is engaged in either doing someone else a favor or demanding one from someone. I watched this with my friends and even my dad. I wonder if it gets difficult to keep track of what moral equity is owed to someone else?

Criticism aside, I'd want to come back for two reasons, I think. One is for my parents - that' the primary motivation. I also want to get to know my in-laws a little better. My visit to Coimbatore was actually very fruitful because it felt that my sister-in-law and I were able to cross a boundary with each other and establish a sisterhood based on mutual observations (and just a tad bit of bitching!) of the Menon family. And believe it or not, I had a better time shopping in Coimbatore than I did in Bombay!

The other reason, is quite simply to prove it to myself that I can do it. That I can be just as successful, if not more, in India as I plan on being here in New York.

I have to admit that I came back profoundly changed from this trip to India. I was both inspired and influenced by my friends as I saw them balance domesticity with careers. I decided then to stop living like a college kid and live like the 27 year old successful woman that I am. So not only have I started cooking more proper meals at home (khichdi and chaal-walu bataka nu shaak anyone?!) but I've also committed to taking more care of myself. R was quite amazed with this sudden transformation in me. I explained to him that last year my priorities had been traveling and setting the foundation for Stanford and JWT.

And so it is.

Adventures in Solitude

This Friday, my boss made a sincere and heartfelt toast about me to the company. He announced the news of my departure over wine and cheese and said how fond he was of me and that my legacy at EA will always be remembered. Sun, Rodriguez, Wu & Chang came up to me and told me how much they will miss me. It was unexpected but it is nice to be reminded of the positive impact I've had on the people I've worked with. I received the best and most humbling compliment in my professional life when a few of my colleagues said they'd work with me anywhere and would follow me. My heart felt so full, with gratitude and love.

R left for India today and as much as I looked forward to this time by myself, I'm feeling alone and missing him. I won't lie, we've had a few difficult weeks with his applications. We operate so differently as people. I've been bitchy, naggy and said some mean things to him. I was frustrated and unhappy and yet, as we finished the process, I haven't felt more pride and love for him. I pray, I pray with every last fiber in my body and soul that he get his big win. He deserves it and he has worked hard for it. If you girls are reading this, please send any goodwill you have towards R. It scares me how much I miss him right now and how my empty apartment is eating me.

I hate talking about R and I here but invariably, I end up doing that!

On a slightly upbeat note, my first class at Stanford has begun and I'm working on my assignment. :)

The Boss reacts

Imagine my mortification if someone from work reads this post - but I have to write it as it has been weighing me. I gave my notice at my current job before the Xmas holidays. My boss's reaction wasn't what I had hoped or expected. But I figured we had the vacation and he'd chill out during that time. Earlier this week, while I was waiting for the elevator to my work, listening to music, generally minding my business, my boss comes in. The work day hasn't even begun yet - I close my book, take out my ear phones and greet him and then what happens? An A-class ambush!

I had no idea where it was coming from but essentially in the elevator and then in his office, (with his doors open so the entire office could hear it) he got into a pissing match with me and kept getting angrier and angrier. For the most part, I was just amused and completely confused. I was wondering about the source of his frustration. But I spoke right back to him, politely but I was assertive and I put him on the spot. A part of me was proud that I did that because it took me a really long time so grow such balls. But a part of me, was just totally turned off at his unprofessional behavior.

He hasn't told the staff yet (and my last day is next Friday!) He hasn't even told the clients yet. Anyways, I came back to my desk with loud, blinking IM's from my colleagues who saw the drama go down asking me if I was ok. Ten minutes later my boss called me into his office and apologized for ambushing me. I think I was a little shaken but I have a thick skin so it didn't totally disturb my equilibrium.

Anyways. This is it. My mourning period ended some time ago and I'm ready to let go of this job and my colleagues. I will miss them- I've made some of my closest friends here but it's gotta be done.

Why 2010 was a baller year

1. Justin Vernon (of Bon Iver.. Duh!) became my sole writing companion. He not only helped me write Chapter 1 of my novel but also helped me get into the Stanford Creative Writing Program. I owe you one, Vernon.

2. I got my Mom addicted to Angry Birds. So much so that she stays up past 3am trying to finish that damn level Twelve. #superwin

3. Might as well add this - Also got my Mom addicted to Wii. Mind you, she's got the highest score on the Hula Hoop.

4. A close friend got married, another got engaged and a third met the parents! I'm a sucker for happily ever afters.

5. Fell even more in love with the man I married.

6. Saw a little more of the world.

7. Celebrated myself.