My friend was visiting today and made a very strange comment to me. I didn't take offense to it but it makes me wonder exactly how "married" people are supposed to behave. He mentioned that it doesn't look like I'm married and I asked him why - he said that married women have a certain look. I wonder if he thinks that because I don't share my profile picture on Facebook with R. But it was an odd comment.
I try not to get too ga-ga about my life - marriage - when I have company. Because lets face it, save a few hurdles, I've got it pretty good. I've made the compromises I feel comfortable with and beyond that, both R and I pick our battles with each other very carefully. Mostly, I've got a partner where I think of him more as a best friend than a husband. What does "husband" mean anyway?
My friend even asked if we were living separately and that confused me even more. Should I be talking more about R and inserting him in every conversation ? Should I be littering his wall with messages that are best saved for GChat? I offered my friend our place to crash at if he needed to spend the night in New York. I didn't consult R and I wonder if that's why he made those comments. I'm not offended, but a little rankled.
Anyways, I'm superstitious. And I don't want to tempt fate. So I'll shut up. But God save me if I ever begin to look like a "married" woman - whatever that means.
29.10.10
28.10.10
Its done
I almost didn't send the application in, but bravado prevailed and I just printed the application out and booked a UPS overnight shipment. Its slightly unnerving. If I don't get in, I pray to God to give me the grace to accept it and to not lose confidence in myself. Ideasmithy - THANK you for your generous feedback and brutal honesty. It propelled me forward. I could use this discipline and it would be a huge boost to my flagging self-confidence.
Baa's tethering between relapsing and getting better. P. is trekking to the hospital today while I take care of her kids. I don't want to speculate anymore about Baa. Praying that she is able to fight this.
It's been an exhausting week and some good news will be much appreciated.
Baa's tethering between relapsing and getting better. P. is trekking to the hospital today while I take care of her kids. I don't want to speculate anymore about Baa. Praying that she is able to fight this.
It's been an exhausting week and some good news will be much appreciated.
26.10.10
Baa
Seeing her in the hospital, a wasted, frail figure on a bed twice the size of her, reminded me of 2005 and my goodbye to K.Baa. I don't want to talk about this. It's not as painful as it is a reminder of the mortality of the ones we love. On Sunday, my entire family got together. It was ironic that we couldn't all find time to get together for a family reunion but made it to the hospital for Baa. Watching my uncle and aunts break down for their mother made me feel weak and like a child. But it was us, the children, comforting the adults and reminding them to not feel guilty and to stay optimistic.
I could smell sickness yesterday. In the minds and bodies of people that came in and out of the hospital. I wanted to escape for a moment into a vast, green, happy place in my head, away from the morbidity of it all. But Baa is better now. And that's all that counts.
I found myself wishing for one more chance with her. I've taken her for granted and last night when her eyes met mine for a fleeting second, when she was trying to recognize me and place me, I broke down. I felt glad that my mother wasn't here to see her own mother in such a state. That's all I want to say about this.
I got to spend the entire night with S though. She's only four months old and such a happy baby! She stayed up at the hospital with us the entire night. I held her in my arms and sang to her to get her to sleep. It felt, oddly satisfying. She is still bald and what little hair she has, stands up like a mohawk. She has big ears and bright, blackberry eyes. What with her mohawk and big ears, she's got a pixie-look going on! She woke up at 3am again and insisted on playing and being entertained. But I got so exhausted and annoyed with her energy, that I tricked her and put a bottle of milk in her mouth and put her back to sleep again. And then in the morning V arrived. He's nine months old and already so big. Less of a talker, but quick to act and writhe in my arms to get out and crawl on the disgusting floor. His skin smelled so good. Baa is 78 years old. And these kids, not even a year. Four generations in one building. My mind was blown. Plus, I was reminded how I'm not ready yet for babies. The smiling is fun, but the potty and vomit is just such a disaster.
On a lighter note, the more I learn about SG, the more I like the company. I almost blew this interview off because I hadn't heard much about the company. Had my second interview this morning and I was surprised that I nailed it. But I need a few more dates with this company before I leave mine for it. I was telling R how proud I was of myself this time around in planning my career. I've taken a very calculated and disciplined approach. I'm assertive and honest in my interviews. I'm asking difficult questions and answering even more difficult ones with finesse and ease. I have three additional interviews with different agencies in the coming weeks and I want to give each a fair chance of impressing me. Plus, the more agencies I met and more leaders I interview with, the clearer idea I get of what I want next.
I'm fast approaching the end of my tenure here - and it makes me so sad. I notice little things at companies where I interview. No music ;( No cool neighborhoods :( And the idea of leaving my friends and colleagues behind makes me sad. I've been mentally preparing for this and will negotiate until January to be here. I take a while to get close to folks and sometimes, the idea of starting anew makes me anxious. But, one step at a time.
On a last note - the weekend was the best I've had in ages. (Apart from my little incident with taking "baby" and "shower" literally and spritzing Pepsi on a little girl in a fit of laughter. Lets not go there. I'm mortified as it is.) We stayed at T's in Philly and J came over too. Rabid and her bf visited us and we had an insane night of board-games, specifically Settlers of Catan. I'm addicted and found myself dreaming of Brick, Wood, Sheep, Grain & Ore!
I hadn't seen T in seven months! I think R got bored with our girl-talk so perhaps I'll have to make a solo visit to Philly next time to catch up with T & R again. I miss this. I wish T & Rabid were in NYC. I miss having close friends so close by :(
J also got me addicted to Angry Birds on iPhone. So much so that I got home last night at 1am and was playing the game on my phone until 3!
There was no water in the building yesterday. Any second thoughts R and I had of moving to NYC disappeared when buy plastic jugs of water and warm it on the stove to take a meager shower. I'm moving to NYC. Mostly so I never have to deal with water shortage again. What a joke. You'd think after several water-main breaks, the Jersey City municipality would have it figured out. It also annoys me that my building doesn't maintain a water storage. Esp. since this is the fifth time the water main has broken in the last two years that I've been here! R let me have the last jug of water to bathe with so I could make it to my interview looking clean and fresh. :D
I can't wait for him to get into his top school and begin his next phase in life.
I could smell sickness yesterday. In the minds and bodies of people that came in and out of the hospital. I wanted to escape for a moment into a vast, green, happy place in my head, away from the morbidity of it all. But Baa is better now. And that's all that counts.
I found myself wishing for one more chance with her. I've taken her for granted and last night when her eyes met mine for a fleeting second, when she was trying to recognize me and place me, I broke down. I felt glad that my mother wasn't here to see her own mother in such a state. That's all I want to say about this.
I got to spend the entire night with S though. She's only four months old and such a happy baby! She stayed up at the hospital with us the entire night. I held her in my arms and sang to her to get her to sleep. It felt, oddly satisfying. She is still bald and what little hair she has, stands up like a mohawk. She has big ears and bright, blackberry eyes. What with her mohawk and big ears, she's got a pixie-look going on! She woke up at 3am again and insisted on playing and being entertained. But I got so exhausted and annoyed with her energy, that I tricked her and put a bottle of milk in her mouth and put her back to sleep again. And then in the morning V arrived. He's nine months old and already so big. Less of a talker, but quick to act and writhe in my arms to get out and crawl on the disgusting floor. His skin smelled so good. Baa is 78 years old. And these kids, not even a year. Four generations in one building. My mind was blown. Plus, I was reminded how I'm not ready yet for babies. The smiling is fun, but the potty and vomit is just such a disaster.
On a lighter note, the more I learn about SG, the more I like the company. I almost blew this interview off because I hadn't heard much about the company. Had my second interview this morning and I was surprised that I nailed it. But I need a few more dates with this company before I leave mine for it. I was telling R how proud I was of myself this time around in planning my career. I've taken a very calculated and disciplined approach. I'm assertive and honest in my interviews. I'm asking difficult questions and answering even more difficult ones with finesse and ease. I have three additional interviews with different agencies in the coming weeks and I want to give each a fair chance of impressing me. Plus, the more agencies I met and more leaders I interview with, the clearer idea I get of what I want next.
I'm fast approaching the end of my tenure here - and it makes me so sad. I notice little things at companies where I interview. No music ;( No cool neighborhoods :( And the idea of leaving my friends and colleagues behind makes me sad. I've been mentally preparing for this and will negotiate until January to be here. I take a while to get close to folks and sometimes, the idea of starting anew makes me anxious. But, one step at a time.
On a last note - the weekend was the best I've had in ages. (Apart from my little incident with taking "baby" and "shower" literally and spritzing Pepsi on a little girl in a fit of laughter. Lets not go there. I'm mortified as it is.) We stayed at T's in Philly and J came over too. Rabid and her bf visited us and we had an insane night of board-games, specifically Settlers of Catan. I'm addicted and found myself dreaming of Brick, Wood, Sheep, Grain & Ore!
I hadn't seen T in seven months! I think R got bored with our girl-talk so perhaps I'll have to make a solo visit to Philly next time to catch up with T & R again. I miss this. I wish T & Rabid were in NYC. I miss having close friends so close by :(
J also got me addicted to Angry Birds on iPhone. So much so that I got home last night at 1am and was playing the game on my phone until 3!
There was no water in the building yesterday. Any second thoughts R and I had of moving to NYC disappeared when buy plastic jugs of water and warm it on the stove to take a meager shower. I'm moving to NYC. Mostly so I never have to deal with water shortage again. What a joke. You'd think after several water-main breaks, the Jersey City municipality would have it figured out. It also annoys me that my building doesn't maintain a water storage. Esp. since this is the fifth time the water main has broken in the last two years that I've been here! R let me have the last jug of water to bathe with so I could make it to my interview looking clean and fresh. :D
I can't wait for him to get into his top school and begin his next phase in life.
20.10.10
It must be a Wednesday
I'm reading Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and cannot get over the idea. What a premise for a story! This should've.. could've been the next Star Trek franchise. R even downloaded the movie last night to feed my obsession but I wasn't as impressed. The writing is clever and the characters are stronger on paper.
Right now, this very moment, while I am pulling my hair out to meet a ridiculous deadline, my sister is cracking me up with her antics. She dropped her phone in the wash-basin at work (I suspect it was actually in the toilet bowl but this is her effort at self-preservation) My sister is addicted to her phone. Whether it is 2am at night or 4pm in the day, she is always BBming someone on some continent. So while her phone rests in a pot full of rice at home to get better, she has no other form of entertainment to keep her occupied. We both G-chat when we are at work, but today has been a colossally unexpected afternoon.
My sister is so bored out of her mind that she has engaged me in an Online KBC. She is narrating it, Amitabh Bacchan style and seeding me questions with four options. And relaying her commentary with the famous KBC one-liners, "Lock kar de?" "Aaap ki two lifeline jeevit hai," etc. (She's given me Google as a lifeline) She's also give me a new lifeline called Double Dip that lets me provide two answers to one question.
I lost at 10,000 Rupees in the first round. Right now, I've made it to 3,20 Lakhs. Needless to say, this is the most quality time we've spent on G-Chat. And it's providing terrific amusement for me as I drudge through my day. *Drumrollls*
Right now, this very moment, while I am pulling my hair out to meet a ridiculous deadline, my sister is cracking me up with her antics. She dropped her phone in the wash-basin at work (I suspect it was actually in the toilet bowl but this is her effort at self-preservation) My sister is addicted to her phone. Whether it is 2am at night or 4pm in the day, she is always BBming someone on some continent. So while her phone rests in a pot full of rice at home to get better, she has no other form of entertainment to keep her occupied. We both G-chat when we are at work, but today has been a colossally unexpected afternoon.
My sister is so bored out of her mind that she has engaged me in an Online KBC. She is narrating it, Amitabh Bacchan style and seeding me questions with four options. And relaying her commentary with the famous KBC one-liners, "Lock kar de?" "Aaap ki two lifeline jeevit hai," etc. (She's given me Google as a lifeline) She's also give me a new lifeline called Double Dip that lets me provide two answers to one question.
I lost at 10,000 Rupees in the first round. Right now, I've made it to 3,20 Lakhs. Needless to say, this is the most quality time we've spent on G-Chat. And it's providing terrific amusement for me as I drudge through my day. *Drumrollls*
19.10.10
Whose agenda is it anyways!?
I have an frustrating dilemma at work. I'm working very closely with the CMO and the Global Comms. Officer of a very large company. Our first project with them was a conference that's now over. We put in a lot of hard work and produced some amazing video content. The issue is this: my boss wants me to get a meeting with the Global Officer to show her these (20 mins?) of video. He has a valid argument: to show our work, elevate it and remind the client of how good we are and how hard we worked.
I argued with him about it today. While that is the right approach for the agency, it is not the best use of my client's time. This deliverable, in all honesty, is small potatoes to her. The conference got over two weeks ago - it will not be repeated again next year. While the content produced was terrific, the conference in itself is not a strong asset to the company yet. More importantly, I'd be happy to show this work if I were dealing with a Manager or perhaps even a Director. But I fought hard with my boss about the right audience for this video. My client deals with the CEO & the CMO of her company - and I am unable to justify using her time just to earn my agency brownie points. In fact, I argued hat our leadership will shine through in understanding how to use her time productively and taking a meeting with her when we have results, not a product.
I was able to reach middle-ground with him but it left me wondering. My decision will not earn me any favors with my client or perhaps even my boss right now. And if I were to ever start my own agency or consultancy someday, I'm pretty sure I would have made the same decision as my boss. It is interesting - as a salaried employee, I am able to fight for what I believe is right for my client, and then my company. Would it still be the same if I owned my own company? Propaganda makes me sick - I'll deal with that when I get to it. Still have a solid ten years of work ahead of me before I begin thinking of myself as a free-agent.
In other news, my work of fiction is shaping. The guy is still in the airplane, thinking and muddled in his head. Maybe I'll have him sit in the plane through-out 4000 words. :P
I argued with him about it today. While that is the right approach for the agency, it is not the best use of my client's time. This deliverable, in all honesty, is small potatoes to her. The conference got over two weeks ago - it will not be repeated again next year. While the content produced was terrific, the conference in itself is not a strong asset to the company yet. More importantly, I'd be happy to show this work if I were dealing with a Manager or perhaps even a Director. But I fought hard with my boss about the right audience for this video. My client deals with the CEO & the CMO of her company - and I am unable to justify using her time just to earn my agency brownie points. In fact, I argued hat our leadership will shine through in understanding how to use her time productively and taking a meeting with her when we have results, not a product.
I was able to reach middle-ground with him but it left me wondering. My decision will not earn me any favors with my client or perhaps even my boss right now. And if I were to ever start my own agency or consultancy someday, I'm pretty sure I would have made the same decision as my boss. It is interesting - as a salaried employee, I am able to fight for what I believe is right for my client, and then my company. Would it still be the same if I owned my own company? Propaganda makes me sick - I'll deal with that when I get to it. Still have a solid ten years of work ahead of me before I begin thinking of myself as a free-agent.
In other news, my work of fiction is shaping. The guy is still in the airplane, thinking and muddled in his head. Maybe I'll have him sit in the plane through-out 4000 words. :P
At 1046 words
For the record, peach flavored anything is quite frankly, disgusting.
Writing fiction is difficult. I have the broad strokes for my characters - who are both largely composites of people I've known, met, kissed, had feelings for, despised or been affected by. And a little bit of myself. I have to finish 4000 words in the next two days. I am 1048 of pure poetry, if I may say so myself.
I am looking for feedback - even if it's something as simple as "i love it" or "i hate it." I am wary of posting the work here right now but if you leave me a comment below (or email me) I'd love to email you back with the 1042 words that I have finished so far.
Pwetty please!
Writing fiction is difficult. I have the broad strokes for my characters - who are both largely composites of people I've known, met, kissed, had feelings for, despised or been affected by. And a little bit of myself. I have to finish 4000 words in the next two days. I am 1048 of pure poetry, if I may say so myself.
I am looking for feedback - even if it's something as simple as "i love it" or "i hate it." I am wary of posting the work here right now but if you leave me a comment below (or email me) I'd love to email you back with the 1042 words that I have finished so far.
Pwetty please!
16.10.10
Revealation
Yesterday evening, braving the heavy downpour and unkind winds, I managed to hang around in the city until 8ish so I could make it to an event a friend had graciously invited me to. It was for women starting and running their own businesses in New York. I value the notion behind such events and had a pleasant evening. Being surrounded with such energy, ambition and raw passion is infectious. I also felt a little sad that I didn't have anything very interesting to offer just yet, but it was precisely the fuel I needed. I also felt a little annoyed. Entrepreneurs are an interesting bunch - they love talking about their business/ idea. But listening to forty women only talk about their business or their idea was grating my nerves. How about I get to know you first and then your idea? Because I promise that if we get along as individuals, I'll find your idea even more interesting and who knows, may even want to give you an honest opinion if you care for it. I did meet four absolutely amazing and incredibly successful women though - humble, down the earth and genuinely interested in me and my work (even though it has absolutely no value to them) So my evening wasn't an absolute goner.
****
On another note, I took a mental day off today to spend with P. Even though he has left the country, he promises to visit very often. He hasn't even closed his bank account here and that assures me that he will be back more often than not. Work had consumed my life and I hadn't time much else for anybody. We walked to Battery Park and took photos of Statue of Liberty for Maximillian. We met up with Kelly's husband for lunch and finished all of P's last minute errands.
He left a few hours ago and I'm still savoring the afterglow of having spent quality time with such a close friend.
After he left, I've been sitting on my bed re-writing and working on a work of fiction. That's when it hit me, how much I love my own company. I get along fine with people and am a good conversationalist. But I crave company very rarely, and only of those with who I can be myself. My time is too precious and every minute I'm spending being uncomfortable in a sea of people or meeting new people that aren't welcoming or refuse to extend their boundaries, I'm wasting time that I could spend with myself, delving deeper into the recesses of my mind so I can write better, think better and feel more.
Writing and I've known this so it's not really a revelation, is more about how deep I can think than how many words I can clock into the thesaurus. It is also about how honest I can will myself to be and usually when I write, I err on being brutally honest. But that kind of honesty is also exhausting and it drains me. It is akin to standing infront of a jury or standing at a confessional and baring your soul out to whoever will listen and judge.
R is waiting for me now for our date-day. So I have to get off the laptop. But there's more on my mind.. for tonight.
****
On another note, I took a mental day off today to spend with P. Even though he has left the country, he promises to visit very often. He hasn't even closed his bank account here and that assures me that he will be back more often than not. Work had consumed my life and I hadn't time much else for anybody. We walked to Battery Park and took photos of Statue of Liberty for Maximillian. We met up with Kelly's husband for lunch and finished all of P's last minute errands.
He left a few hours ago and I'm still savoring the afterglow of having spent quality time with such a close friend.
After he left, I've been sitting on my bed re-writing and working on a work of fiction. That's when it hit me, how much I love my own company. I get along fine with people and am a good conversationalist. But I crave company very rarely, and only of those with who I can be myself. My time is too precious and every minute I'm spending being uncomfortable in a sea of people or meeting new people that aren't welcoming or refuse to extend their boundaries, I'm wasting time that I could spend with myself, delving deeper into the recesses of my mind so I can write better, think better and feel more.
Writing and I've known this so it's not really a revelation, is more about how deep I can think than how many words I can clock into the thesaurus. It is also about how honest I can will myself to be and usually when I write, I err on being brutally honest. But that kind of honesty is also exhausting and it drains me. It is akin to standing infront of a jury or standing at a confessional and baring your soul out to whoever will listen and judge.
R is waiting for me now for our date-day. So I have to get off the laptop. But there's more on my mind.. for tonight.
12.10.10
Things I will never say.
If societal norms didn't stop me, I would write this letter to someone that has been on my mind a lot today.
Dear Beautiful Mistake, I want to say thank you for your thoughtfulness today. I respect your inaction. If anything, it's only made my memories of you all the more tender. I will think of you with fondness and hope our paths cross again, as friends. Love, The Girl that's afraid of Water.
And this letter, I would send to my lost friend who I haven't shared a word with in over 5 years.
Dear Wild Child, I wish I was still in your life. I didn't value your friendship when I had it and words cannot undo my insensitivity in the past. The truth is as it was, I was afraid of our closeness. And although I know I've said this to you before and you've forgiven me, if I could, I could turn back time and go back to the spring of 2002 to rebuild our friendship. You've taught me how to be a better friend. Thank you. Love, The Broken heart you once Mended.
This letter would go to a person that's in my heart but am no longer able to touch.
Dear Deathdude, Our season is over. It's been over for a while. Just know that you are missed dearly. You are the one person that has had the most impact on me with the least number of words. And it pains me that my memory of you is still frozen in 2001. You never were mine to belong. And I will mourn that I was not the one. Love, Alice
This is for my best friend. I can tell him this in person too and that's why I love him.
Dear Soulmate, You are my constant. It's always only been you. Love, Me
This is for K.
K, I only have fond memories of you and the purest goodwill for you in my heart. J
This is for AN.
A. Heard that you are going to be a father. I hope you get a daughter. And I hope you are up every single night for the rest of your life worrying about her. I don't harbor ill will towards you. A little bit of pity though. Love, The Other Girl
This is for my girls: C, M, R, S, T, R & T
Thank you for accepting me as I am, with my flaws.
And this, is for R.
R. I love you. J
Dear Beautiful Mistake, I want to say thank you for your thoughtfulness today. I respect your inaction. If anything, it's only made my memories of you all the more tender. I will think of you with fondness and hope our paths cross again, as friends. Love, The Girl that's afraid of Water.
And this letter, I would send to my lost friend who I haven't shared a word with in over 5 years.
Dear Wild Child, I wish I was still in your life. I didn't value your friendship when I had it and words cannot undo my insensitivity in the past. The truth is as it was, I was afraid of our closeness. And although I know I've said this to you before and you've forgiven me, if I could, I could turn back time and go back to the spring of 2002 to rebuild our friendship. You've taught me how to be a better friend. Thank you. Love, The Broken heart you once Mended.
This letter would go to a person that's in my heart but am no longer able to touch.
Dear Deathdude, Our season is over. It's been over for a while. Just know that you are missed dearly. You are the one person that has had the most impact on me with the least number of words. And it pains me that my memory of you is still frozen in 2001. You never were mine to belong. And I will mourn that I was not the one. Love, Alice
This is for my best friend. I can tell him this in person too and that's why I love him.
Dear Soulmate, You are my constant. It's always only been you. Love, Me
This is for K.
K, I only have fond memories of you and the purest goodwill for you in my heart. J
This is for AN.
A. Heard that you are going to be a father. I hope you get a daughter. And I hope you are up every single night for the rest of your life worrying about her. I don't harbor ill will towards you. A little bit of pity though. Love, The Other Girl
This is for my girls: C, M, R, S, T, R & T
Thank you for accepting me as I am, with my flaws.
And this, is for R.
R. I love you. J
Shifting gears
The last two years were a state of confusion and my struggle to stop myself and my skills from becoming obsolete. It was also a path ridden with self-doubt and questions about my future. My ambition was becoming prey to a overwhelming array of interests and my dreams were losing their clarity. In short, my own story was unfocused, and blurry in my head.
In the last two months though, my wavering skepticism has come to a halt. My professional growth has been tested again and in new areas that have helped me gauge my weaknesses and strengths. A self-analysis is due but my renewed commitment to writing and becoming a better writer has played a strong role helping me determine the path that is right for me. This clarity of focus and vision has doubled my confidence in my abilities and my faith in my strengths. I am committed to and absolutely plan on becoming extremely successful, both financially and emotionally, in the next two years. I've consistently met my targets every year but its time now to hit the bullseye. Two things will happen in the first quarter of next year. 1) My professional career will jump two levels higher on a high-growth path and 2) I will have finished the first draft of my fiction manuscript.
I'm working very closely with the CMO of a large Fortune 100 company and this opportunity is helping me elevate my ability to think strategically and focus on the big picture. This experience will be instrumental in the next chapter of my professional life. I'm thrilled to be back in the game and on top of mine.
I may not write here too often about work-stuff because I understand it can get boring. Maybe just once in a while..
In the last two months though, my wavering skepticism has come to a halt. My professional growth has been tested again and in new areas that have helped me gauge my weaknesses and strengths. A self-analysis is due but my renewed commitment to writing and becoming a better writer has played a strong role helping me determine the path that is right for me. This clarity of focus and vision has doubled my confidence in my abilities and my faith in my strengths. I am committed to and absolutely plan on becoming extremely successful, both financially and emotionally, in the next two years. I've consistently met my targets every year but its time now to hit the bullseye. Two things will happen in the first quarter of next year. 1) My professional career will jump two levels higher on a high-growth path and 2) I will have finished the first draft of my fiction manuscript.
I'm working very closely with the CMO of a large Fortune 100 company and this opportunity is helping me elevate my ability to think strategically and focus on the big picture. This experience will be instrumental in the next chapter of my professional life. I'm thrilled to be back in the game and on top of mine.
I may not write here too often about work-stuff because I understand it can get boring. Maybe just once in a while..
10.10.10
Broken threads
I feel my heart thawing. It took me by surprise at how far out of reach I had gone. A few things happened today. This afternoon my cousin called me. The last time she called me was eight months ago. We live 40 minutes apart and the last time we met was three months ago. We chat on and off online, but she never calls. She is busy - what with being a doctor, managing a family and a social life. But we used to be very close. We grew up together and I still want to be a part of her world and have her be a part of mine. But I gave up a while ago. Tired of being the only person wanting us to still belong to one another. As a family, we've drifted. We are broken. And I was and perhaps still am in mourning.
I was surprised when she called me today. Instinctively I knew this call wasn't to play catch-up or about me. And I was right. She was calling to deliver a piece of unfortunate news. Our uncle's mother passed away this afternoon, without any premonition. I feel for my uncle and his children. But I was saddened that it took death in the family for my sister to call me. Families come together for difficult times but don't find enough happy occasions to share with one another.
My sister too. My enchanted ideas of the kind of relationship we will have as sisters have long vanished. But what remains are restless feelings of longing.
***
Later tonight I met G and some of her friends at Newark for Garba. The familiarity of the sight and smell knocked the breath out of me. My stomach hurt. And I began crying. It was simultaneously embarrassing and cleansing. I hadn't been to Navratri celebration in over five years. I consciously avoided it and blocked the music from my iTunes. Today I sorely missed my family. I missed my cousin, my sister and my relatives. I missed my grandmother and her voice singing the Aarti and the Garbas. Looking back, I realize I haven't been to a Navrati celebration ever since she passed away. I'm glad I went to the celebrations today but I think I have my fill for a bit. I say a silent prayer tonight though, that the next time I go for Navratri celebrations, I want to be with family, among my people.
I'm mad at myself that I stopped writing. I don't talk much about my feelings to anyone because I used to write them out and through words, I was better able to understand myself and how incidents affected me. I feel like I don't have an account of who I have become and what has changed me over the last five years. I'm committed now to changing that relationship with myself and writing.
***
There's more in my head but for once, words fail me.
I was surprised when she called me today. Instinctively I knew this call wasn't to play catch-up or about me. And I was right. She was calling to deliver a piece of unfortunate news. Our uncle's mother passed away this afternoon, without any premonition. I feel for my uncle and his children. But I was saddened that it took death in the family for my sister to call me. Families come together for difficult times but don't find enough happy occasions to share with one another.
My sister too. My enchanted ideas of the kind of relationship we will have as sisters have long vanished. But what remains are restless feelings of longing.
***
Later tonight I met G and some of her friends at Newark for Garba. The familiarity of the sight and smell knocked the breath out of me. My stomach hurt. And I began crying. It was simultaneously embarrassing and cleansing. I hadn't been to Navratri celebration in over five years. I consciously avoided it and blocked the music from my iTunes. Today I sorely missed my family. I missed my cousin, my sister and my relatives. I missed my grandmother and her voice singing the Aarti and the Garbas. Looking back, I realize I haven't been to a Navrati celebration ever since she passed away. I'm glad I went to the celebrations today but I think I have my fill for a bit. I say a silent prayer tonight though, that the next time I go for Navratri celebrations, I want to be with family, among my people.
I'm mad at myself that I stopped writing. I don't talk much about my feelings to anyone because I used to write them out and through words, I was better able to understand myself and how incidents affected me. I feel like I don't have an account of who I have become and what has changed me over the last five years. I'm committed now to changing that relationship with myself and writing.
***
There's more in my head but for once, words fail me.
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