Revealation

Yesterday evening, braving the heavy downpour and unkind winds, I managed to hang around in the city until 8ish so I could make it to an event a friend had graciously invited me to. It was for women starting and running their own businesses in New York. I value the notion behind such events and had a pleasant evening. Being surrounded with such energy, ambition and raw passion is infectious. I also felt a little sad that I didn't have anything very interesting to offer just yet, but it was precisely the fuel I needed. I also felt a little annoyed. Entrepreneurs are an interesting bunch - they love talking about their business/ idea. But listening to forty women only talk about their business or their idea was grating my nerves. How about I get to know you first and then your idea? Because I promise that if we get along as individuals, I'll find your idea even more interesting and who knows, may even want to give you an honest opinion if you care for it. I did meet four absolutely amazing and incredibly successful women though - humble, down the earth and genuinely interested in me and my work (even though it has absolutely no value to them) So my evening wasn't an absolute goner.


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On another note, I took a mental day off today to spend with P. Even though he has left the country, he promises to visit very often. He hasn't even closed his bank account here and that assures me that he will be back more often than not. Work had consumed my life and I hadn't time much else for anybody. We walked to Battery Park and took photos of Statue of Liberty for Maximillian. We met up with Kelly's husband for lunch and finished all of P's last minute errands.
He left a few hours ago and I'm still savoring the afterglow of having spent quality time with such a close friend.

After he left, I've been sitting on my bed re-writing and working on a work of fiction. That's when it hit me, how much I love my own company. I get along fine with people and am a good conversationalist. But I crave company very rarely, and only of those with who I can be myself. My time is too precious and every minute I'm spending being uncomfortable in a sea of people or meeting new people that aren't welcoming or refuse to extend their boundaries, I'm wasting time that I could spend with myself, delving deeper into the recesses of my mind so I can write better, think better and feel more.

Writing and I've known this so it's not really a revelation, is more about how deep I can think than how many words I can clock into the thesaurus. It is also about how honest I can will myself to be and usually when I write, I err on being brutally honest. But that kind of honesty is also exhausting and it drains me.  It is akin to standing infront of a jury or standing at a confessional and baring your soul out to whoever will listen and judge.


R is waiting for me now for our date-day. So I have to get off the laptop. But there's more on my mind.. for tonight.