It's difficult to get back into the flow of writing. The last few years have trained me to think in bullet points, albeit, in story-form. I have a few things on my mind that I want to try to make sense of and writing about them, arguing it out with myself helps me. So here's a try.
Moral boundaries and passion: At what point does curiosity lead to a breach of moral contracts? At what point does curiosity stop being the driving force and instead, takes a turn towards becoming a destructive force? I'm not sure I know the answers but this year I've experimented with a few things that when judged black and white, the verdict is against me.
Not that this falls squarely into that realm but it irks me and hence the need to think it out.
Last week, R and I ordered Indian take-out. Chicken for him & Paneer for me. Our meals were switched and I'd eaten half a portion of the Chicken dish before R hastily realized that I was eating his meal. As a vegetarian, I expected to instantly gag and feel revolted. As a Jain, I expected to feel guilty and shamed. But I felt nothing.I found myself ruminating over the chewy-quality of the chicken and I moved on to my meal. I was genuinely surprised that I didn't know I was eating chicken. It didn't taste like chicken - or what I thought chicken would taste like. As a vegetarian, I thought my reflexes would kick in if I ever found myself putting anything unwieldy in my stomach. Not really.
My lack of a superlative response surprised and confused me.
When I expressed my confusion to R (about why I wasn't feeling what I expected to feel) he remarked that my vegetarianism is out of habit and not out of choice. And that ticked me off. More than the chicken.
Granted, I've been a vegetarian my entire life. I was born into a vegetarian family - but I left home at 18. I've had plenty of years (9 to be precise) to switch or make a conscious attempt to try meat. And I haven't. I might not have consciously made a pact with myself but I'm sure that I've sub-consciously made a decision to not eat meat every-time the opportunity was presented. I can see how my lack of a passionate POV can be construed as a thoughtless idea. Esp since everyone in New York has such strong opinions about food and dietary habits.
Even RS is incredibly well-informed about food, veganism and vegetarianism. She even avoids animal protein and by products in toothpastes, shampoos and soaps! I'm not and I do not aspire to be as vigilant about my choice and that's why I question my own moral boundaries with meat and vegetables. I haven't given the choice critical thought of research so does that mean R is right and that I'm a vegetarian out of habit?
It's also a little bit annoying when partners assume to know you, your decisions and your actions because they've been with you for seven years. Probably out of habit. (Sorry R, not meant to be a potshot at you -but still, it's a possibility!)
Maybe he is not entirely right and maybe I am not entirely at fault. But it irks me and I began to ask myself questions and examine myself a little more closely over the last few weeks.
Rules and social contracts have never held much weight with me. But I do like to think that I am a person with integrity. How others define integrity is upto them. I don't know how I define it but most of the times its driven by what I feel in my gut is the FAIR thing/ decision. I've let down many people (Often members of my own family and my closest friends) for what is fair and that's a price I've had to pay several times just so I can go to bed knowing I made the right decision or said the right words. That's just how I choose to life my life and its no dictum for anyone else to judge or follow.
Coming back to the issue at hand. Here's where I stand on this. Being a vegetarian is a choice I have made. It is not out of habit or not because I was raised such. It is a conscious choice. It is not driven by my desire to save animals or my love for them. In fact, I've done enough research to know that by default, human bodies need animal protein and that we've all got our space in the food eco-system. However, I choose my path because the other option disgusts me. It may not be the well -thought out, propaganda that well-educated vegetarians teach themselves. But it works for me. And I don't remember the world stopping the last time someone decided something wasn't for them because they were disgusted by it.
So there.
It's not habit, it's disgust.
That doesn't entirely satisfy my inner philosopher, but it's good enough for now. While I go dig for better answers.
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