Today two conversations happened that left me feeling lighter. The first one was an observation and a confession about what it means to be an Indian. Sometimes I am surprised with how little of religion, customs or culture I inherited considering how religious my parents and my family is and how being a Jain defines them. As much as I will miss the space, green and river-views afforded by Jersey City, I'm eager to move into Manhattan. Living in JC, feels like I'm not too far away from India. And especially my building. It's worth nothing that my building attracts young Indian families by the droves. Just yesterday I stumbled into my building, tired from a 12 hour work-day, and was bull-dozed by a swarm of little brown children dressed in like little Hindu Gods. I reeled back for a second trying to gather my wits and then I realized it was Janmashthami, Krishna's birthday. To instill Indian values and culture into their children, the parents had decided to dress them up and celebrate in the common lounge. I am atleast half a decade away from considering motherhood but I found myself panicking. Is this what will be expected of me?
And once I opened that box, Pandora wouldn't let me shut it.
Tomorrow is also Paryushan. As a Jain, the next seven days are the most important days for me and my community. If you are one of the two readers reading this and are wondering what Paryushan is, Wikipedia it. Also look up Jainism on Wikipedia. Jains across the world will abstain from sex, alcohol, and most types of food (most green vegetables and root vegetables) The next seven days are for penance, meditation and seeking forgiveness. On an abstract level, I respect and even understand the ritual. A clean mind and body, intense self-reflection and prayers to wash the past year's sins. But on a literal level, I've always had trouble understanding and accepting this. My main issue with Jainism is that its not meant to be a religion and yet, over the years, we've had scriptures, and rules and from a way of living, from a spiritual path, Jainism has taken on a cult-like significance that subjects everyone else to the lens they view the world with. I confess, I have not studied the religion. But as a precocious and extremely aware adolescent girl, I was acutely aware that something was wrong with the framework of my religion if it deemed me practically an untouchable every time I menstruated. Menstruating girls weren't allowed to visit the temple. Or touch Gods. Or in extreme families, touch anything or anyone in the house for four days. The church let me though. But then, it wouldn't let me eat bread or drink the wine because I wasn't a Catholic. You can imagine how confusing all this can get for a 15 year old girl. So I simply stopped needing a place of worship and found my own spiritual path. I often flirt with the idea of studying Jainism more so my opinions would be well-informed and unbiased. But I've found such happiness in taking what I like and ignoring what I don't, that I don't feel the need to have an informed opinion anymore. I've found a system that works for me.
But every year, it returns to me, gnawing at me and awakening conflicting emotions; especially when I am surrounded by a family, a sister and friends that so staunchly observe it. I feel judged. But that is my fault, not theirs.
I see sense and value in rituals. I believe rituals give life meaning and the expectation of its clockwork-like occurrence gives us something to look forward to. I am grateful for the rituals and festivals my parents gave me and the memories I have attached with it. But I think, between R and I, we'll have to invent some rituals of our own.
The battrey's are running out so I need to sign off. The second thought can remain in my head for now.
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