Shitstorm

This month's just been one massive shitstorm. And the beauty is that none of it is mine but directly affects me because of the relationships I have. I've got a lump in my throat and I wish I was in control of this situation. I hate it when people think they know it all, but in this case, for this certain person, I do know it all. I know what is best for her and what her decisions should be about life, living and work. But how can I help someone that does not want to be helped?
I almost don't want to know anything about her plans or actions or what's on her mind coz it ends up giving me high BP. I hate this feeling.
Nothing is in control.

:(

Haven't been here in a while. I feel sad. I feel that we keep trying to make a house of cards and one fine wind brings it all down. I feel tired today, of keeping a brave face and being his rock. I just want to lie down for a bit and rest. I don't want to think about anything, anyone, not even myself. I just want blankness to envelop me.

Last night, after the news, he ordered eight Astrix comics. I think they make him feel safe. I want to feel safe too.
This song will be on repeat today. 


We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Iowa

Should I go for the Iowa Writer's Summer Festival or put that dough towards some exotic travel ?
Iceland is very high on my agenda right now. You have no idea how badly I want to go there.

Growing old

I've always been a little absent-minded, but until now I didn't mind it much. It was more of an inconvenience to others around me than to me. The gift-cards that I've received at various points in my life (wedding, farewells etc) were neatly tucked into an envelope and in a zipped pocket of my work bag. This morning, I looked for it and ofcourse, it wasn't there. I'm disturbed and annoyed at myself. I don't think they are stolen or that I lost them. I probably put them away somewhere thinking they were safer, and ofcourse, they are so safe now that I can't remember where they are.

Sometimes I am gripped by an irrational fear that I'm slipping. I have a commitment for this evening but all I really want to do is go back home and search my entire house until I find that envelope.

Crapshoot

What a shitty day today. My phone got stolen last night - it's been switched off since. A set of slides I created at work didn't get the reaction I was expecting from my boss. Teaches me not to share before the work is finished or without context.
Did have a small win today with a very good brainstorm for a mouth-wash client.

Off to buy a new phone. I was supposed to retire the old one anyways. Never lost a phone like this before or had it stolen from me. Am pretty sure whoever stole it won't be able to get in coz it was protected but they'll wipe it out and there goes - my three years of photographs, sms's and notes that I had saved so diligently. Fucking mofo.

At least my this week's assignment for Stanford is garnering some pretty good reviews, that's a solace. I miss R, but with him away, I was able to focus on my writing. I suppose there's only time and appetite for so many loves in one life.

But everyday is a delicate balance of keeping all the balls in air. One wink, one sneeze and it's not so easy anymore to get those balls to balance.

Do not ever

underestimate someone with ambition. They will far succeed and move up than those that are smart but lack ambition, curiosity and the desire to better themselves.

This post is dedicated to JRod. I hope you read it. 

Copenhagen

So this post will probably not make sense to any of you except Rabid. My heart skipped a beat when I read a status update by a certain person - but I was relieved when their update was about XXXXX. How awful it would've been. But I suppose I am risking the possibility of another JFK run-in.

More grist for the mill.

Oh yea - on that note. Scored a ridiculous deal to Copenhagen and Meg and Ro are also coming! Beyond excited.